Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Crying behind vs Crying over

I love music and it often speaks to me. It can break down how I am feeling, give me encouragement and sometimes musically illustrate a situation I am going through in a way that shocks me.

When I heard Chrisette Michelle’s “Blame it on me” it came at a point in my life when I really needed to hear it. I was holding onto something that was long dead. I mean it’s like you’re at the point where you know that the other person doesn’t want to be there and the other person knows that you know- they don’t want to be there.  When that song said, “Blame it on me, say it's my fault. Say that I left you outside in the cold with a broken heart. I really don't care, I ain't crying no more, say I'm a liar, a cheater, say anything that you want as long as it's over”. Like we are going to break up, I’m going to say it’s over and if people ask you what happened? You can blame it on me. I’m cool with that because I have done the best I could. I mean I am fighting myself because he is sitting on the sidelines, looking at the cheerleaders= meaning he isn't even in the game anymore. You get to a point where you are crying behind a guy or you are crying over a guy. 
You just have to know where you are…I’ll explain.

When you are crying behind a guy, there is usually another party. Whether it’s another woman (or man-hey it’s happened), his family, his friends, his raggedy friend with curly hair that’s always calling talkingboutsome hey man let’s go out. Let’s go to the spot. Curly haired mutha…oh my bad, where was I? Crying behind something he did, something he said, etc… you may break up for a hot second but eventually you get back together.


When you cry over a guy…you know it’s over-hence the phrase. “Crying over”, you are crying over him. Crying over the demise of a relationship. Crying over the fact that you two are Not getting back together because it…is…over.  You are just *sigh* heartbroken. You are physically ill, emotionally drained. You are either going to eat everything or nothing at all. You are going to sleep or not sleep. Every little thing triggers tears. For me, I’ll be honest, it was really bad. I could be at work and the air would move and my eyes would water. I would have to make it to the bathroom before the tears started falling down my face. I was really heartbroken. I’d never experienced pain like that before. I mean I thought I had, but no this was a new pain. Like it felt as though my heart had cracks in it and I could feel the cold air seeping through those cracks. This pain was new and different because not only was it caused by someone I had truly loved but by one I thought really loved me. I mean we were going to build a future and he pretty much told me I don’t give a shit about you. But see I’m not going to say that to you but I am going to do you one better and Show you with my actions. Sap sucker...oh wait there I go again. I'm back.

See I didn't think I would be able to climb out of that dark hole…I lost like 25 pounds. Oh but see I aided in my depression. I mean you know how we do…I got Brian McKnight’s “One Last Cry” on replay. I’m listening to Jennifer Holiday sing about “Giving up” and getting hit with the deep shoulder cry. You know the one, where your shoulders bounce up and down and the cry gets caught in the back of your throat. Pitiful!

BUT…I learned from that…and with help, I moved on from that dark place.  And then I changed my music selection. I stopped torturing myself with Brian, Sade, John, Kelly, Jason, Jennifer…etc and began to hear music that added a lil pep to my step like hey you are going to “Regret” the day you left me. And even if that joker doesn’t miss me or doesn’t regret the day…HEY I don’t care. This is my therapy.  I'll hold on to that, I do believe that he knows he effed up and knows he won’t find another woman like me -he might spin that and say good but we ain’t asking him so it doesn’t matter. 

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