Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Saggy Boobies- Random Thoughts

Have you ever stood in front of a full length mirror- naked

Not you heffas in your 20's...this is for my over 35 crowd. 

Let me walk you through my mind. Be careful and watch your step. 

#SingleLife    #RelationshipGoals    #LoveIsNotDead    #SaggyBoobies   #Random

So, some 10 years ago (dang!) I watched this "Oprah" episode dedicated to boobs. Yeah!
Breasts, titties, mosquito Bites, melons, cans..all that; I think it had something about bras. 
You know how we aren't wearing the correct size and we need to get fitting regularly because breasts change sizes with weight gain and loss and blah blah blah blah.

Well, there was this test they said you could to see if your boobs were already starting to sag. 
And like a dummy, I took the test. Remember this was ten years ago so, the boobs were still sitting up noice.  I mean, at least I thought there were. 
So the test went like this...get a pencil or pen, place it under your boob, and then put your arms down. Does the pencil/pen move, slip out, or fall? No- then your boobs are still sitting up high. Congratulations. If it does- your boobs are starting to sag. Or maybe is was if your nipple hangs below the pencil when you sit or stand...I don't remember but that's not important. I mean it is but its not.

Cut to- present day and me standing in front of this full length mirror. 
Yeah, I'm brave like that, even though I typically don't wear my glasses when I do it so I look skinnier but I digress.
Standing here makes me wonder...especially since it's been 10 years...what constitutes saggy boobs. 
I mean I know that boobs sag, I know this. Hello I took the quiz but are they only considered saggy when they like touch your stomach? Is it all about the nipple?  Like when they droop or don't point straight out? I really hope not because mine are cross eyed. I'm not sure if that helps or hinders me. 

Do guys really care about saggy boobies? I mean can't you just pick up them the same way you would cup a supple one? 
And what is a supple breast anyway. Supple means bending and moving easily; flexible-shoot that's a saggy boob. 
So, I guess me and my saggy, supple boobies don' have anything to worry about. 


Switching Teams

First I want to thank you all for being here. 
I really appreciate you reading this. 

After much consideration this year
Ups and Downs
And still falling short 

I have decided to...take my talents to women.

#SingleLife    #RelationshipGoals   #LoveIsNotDead    #SwitchingTeams


I'm switching teams.

I like Your girl now and not like how I used to like her. I like her, Like her.

So ladies,  hit me up 

Uh but only if you are between the sizes 8-14.
I really the only believe the only reason for me to switch teams is to maximize my closet. And I've been an 8 and a 14 so if my new boo wants to embark on a cleanse with her or go to the Beer, Bacon and Bourbon festival with her, I'm cool with that. soooo yeah.

Look, so let me say this, before I get inundated with messages- I'm kidding...I mean unless someone wants to take me out to dinner. I haven't been taken out to dinner in a minute. I will even get dressed up for you. I will press my yoga pants. 

I just want to say to my fellow single folks. 

hey - its gonna be okay.
everything is gonna be alright
it will
because you are smart, kind, important and beautiful.


don't nobody want us so oh well.  

Thursday, October 8, 2015

Romance, No-mance

I will admit it- romantic comedies/dramas have poisoned my mind and warped my perception of reality.
They did…and I let them. I ate that shit up like Thanksgiving dinner.
But I have to wonder, in a world of excess and posturing- has the art of a romantic gesture died?

I mean musicians brag about what they have But not how they treat their lady. Hell, they’ll brag about how they doing some other cats lady!
Women boast about all their man does for them while bragging about how they can keep him satisfied because their “pussy on fleek”. Yeah, I guess.

So…in 2015, what is considered a grand or even small romantic gesture?

*Where is Darius reworking a poem on the fly and calling it “A Blues for Nina”?
-Where is Dre writing “Will you go out with me (check) YES or NO?”
+Where is Mark, trekking out in the snow, with a new diary (even though he read about the unflattering things you wrote about him)?
=Where is Noah…and that beautiful dream house?
^Where is (ladies) Josie- putting herself out there, waiting on her love to come and grant her, her first kiss?

Now of course many of these are for theatrics. I understand that but a likeness could happen in real life. I’d like to believe they still happen. I have been on the receiving end of a grand gesture or two; and the giving end so I know the art hasn’t flatlined.
I just worry that kids these days won’t know anything about the art because they don’t see it anymore.

Just some random thoughts on this Thursday morning.

*Love Jones
-Brown Sugar
+Bridget Jones’ Diary
=The Notebook
^Never Been Kissed 

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Let's Take Dip

How do you get into a pool? 
Falling in love

I find that you could use how people get into a pool as an example of how people treat jumping into the deep end of the pool, head first like an Olympic diver. You have the "Cannonball"! Or the "step off". For some, these approaches works..uh for me not so much (but hey no judgement). I'm more of a sit on the side of the pool, dip my feet in the water and then slide (seductively) into the pool. No better, no worse but this approach works for me.

"See the walls I have up, are really more for your protection". I place them there because once I bring them down and you infiltrate my world and my heart- I have this crazy expectation of you not hurting me. I know right- it's crazy. 

You spend x amount of time, trying to get to know me (and I, you). We rap about life and our personal history. We share fears and desires and even recipes. I tell you about the time I peed on myself from laughing so hard...and you laugh. You tell me about the time your brother went to prison...and I shed a quiet tear and a word of encouragement. We develop a routine and with each new experience, another piece of my wall comes down. I also feel as though the wall that you placed up, is also breaking down. I let you know that, I would never intentionally hurt you. You assure me of the same. 

I'm in the pool. I didn't jump in but I made it in.
The water is all around me and I sink lower and lower. 
Almost completely submerged except my eyes haven't made it underwater- yet. 
I want them too. I want to let go and "drown" in your love but I don't. 
My entire body is there. My heart is saying "let go. Come on in, the water is fine" but my eyes...they refuse to go under. 

See my eyes know the truth (perhaps because of my brain) and I see trouble. 
My heart says let it go and but my eyes make me pay attention. They show me, what I need to see (damn).
Not today maybe not even tomorrow but soon enough my heart will see- what my eyes saw. 
Then my heart will feel- what my eyes saw.
Then that wall, that you meticulously chipped away will be replaced-for your protection. 
Not mine. 

Then I will return to my seat, on the side of the pool, waiting for the right time to dip my foot in or maybe the next time- I'll do a cannonball.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Starts with C ends in Y

I think I may have gotten too old to use the word "fuckin" (no "g")  as much as I do.
"Man that fuckin sucks". "Imma beat your fuckin ass". "This fuc'kin traffic is the worst!"
I think you get my point.
Honestly I think I use the word so much because I'm not doing it...take a minute (I'll wait).

Celibacy sucks- lol. I mean, well no it doesn't even do that huh? Celibacy is...hard.
Nope don't want to use that one either.

Celibacy can be very difficult. Yeah, difficult. I understand why we are supposed to wait till marriage before we engage in sexual activities. I understand why women, after the age thirty, start racing to the altar. Scientists believe that women hit their sexual peak in their mid to late thirties, so the sisters are tired of doing it for themselves and they want someone who will "love, honor, cherish" and occasionally give them an orgasm. For some strange reason men like to believe that when women get married they tire of having sex...they need to stop watching "Mad Men". Women love sex just as much as men, why do you think the "Fifty Shades" books are so popular? Those books aren't literature's about sex. Or Zane and her books? Or "Spartacus?" Or "Power?" I mean yeah there is a story, a plot and character development but dude- there is a bunch of sex too. And when you ain't getting none (or passing it out) it just Magnifies all of it. I mean Good Lord! I don't wanna feel like a prude but I am five episodes in on my -free weekend of Starz- "Power" marathon and I need a damn cigarette (all they have been doing is screwing and it is like torture).

I mean I have gone through "spells" before. I have had self imposed sabbaticals a time or two (or three or four) but the drought is real man. I mean they say, "if you don't use it, you'll surely lose it" and well...I don't wanna lose mine yall! I really don't wanna lose it- shoot not before I find me someone that wants it all the time (well at least 2-3 times a week and once on the weekend). Seriously though, celibacy does allow me to think with a clear mind it does... it just leaves a girl hella tense-lol.  And according to others, a little mean.

But them heffas don't know what they are talking about shiiiiiii I'm always nice.