Sunday, August 10, 2014

Starts with C ends in Y

I think I may have gotten too old to use the word "fuckin" (no "g")  as much as I do.
"Man that fuckin sucks". "Imma beat your fuckin ass". "This fuc'kin traffic is the worst!"
I think you get my point.
Honestly I think I use the word so much because I'm not doing it...take a minute (I'll wait).

Celibacy sucks- lol. I mean, well no it doesn't even do that huh? Celibacy is...hard.
Nope don't want to use that one either.

Celibacy can be very difficult. Yeah, difficult. I understand why we are supposed to wait till marriage before we engage in sexual activities. I understand why women, after the age thirty, start racing to the altar. Scientists believe that women hit their sexual peak in their mid to late thirties, so the sisters are tired of doing it for themselves and they want someone who will "love, honor, cherish" and occasionally give them an orgasm. For some strange reason men like to believe that when women get married they tire of having sex...they need to stop watching "Mad Men". Women love sex just as much as men, why do you think the "Fifty Shades" books are so popular? Those books aren't literature's about sex. Or Zane and her books? Or "Spartacus?" Or "Power?" I mean yeah there is a story, a plot and character development but dude- there is a bunch of sex too. And when you ain't getting none (or passing it out) it just Magnifies all of it. I mean Good Lord! I don't wanna feel like a prude but I am five episodes in on my -free weekend of Starz- "Power" marathon and I need a damn cigarette (all they have been doing is screwing and it is like torture).

I mean I have gone through "spells" before. I have had self imposed sabbaticals a time or two (or three or four) but the drought is real man. I mean they say, "if you don't use it, you'll surely lose it" and well...I don't wanna lose mine yall! I really don't wanna lose it- shoot not before I find me someone that wants it all the time (well at least 2-3 times a week and once on the weekend). Seriously though, celibacy does allow me to think with a clear mind it does... it just leaves a girl hella tense-lol.  And according to others, a little mean.

But them heffas don't know what they are talking about shiiiiiii I'm always nice. 

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

I am not my hair? But aren't I?

For many black women, you know what scratch that. I don't want this piece to get bogged down with race (even though I can only identify with a black woman because *come close* I am a black woman. I know right- shocker). 
So allow me to start over... 

For many Women, including myself- we can become overly attached to our hair. Our hair is our crowning glory. Its been with us all our lives and unless illness takes it from you, chances are you would never get rid of it. Oh you'll try different colors, different angles but you always bring it back. I know women who sported short, flattering dos for years and then their hair got longer and longer and longer and well you get my point. You tell a woman you are thinking - just thinking- about cutting your hair and the responses range from confusion, shock, upset, to them telling you not to do it. Its like you told them you were getting a divorce. 

But in actuality- isn't that what it is? I'm sure there are many women who would disagree and say "oh its just hair" but those are women who've already divorced their hair. Or weren't really in a "committed" relationship with their hair. They made the big chop so any aversion to a chop seems foreign to them. 
But for us others things are a bit different. 

If you want to know if a woman is going through something, look at the top of her head. All of her secrets lie in all those locks (or lack thereof). A ponytail, a wrap,twists, braids, fade, jerri curl (they are still out there)...all these styles tell a story. Some, a trapped in the 80's story, but a story nonetheless. 

India Arie had a song, "I am not my hair" but even she is rocking "hair" now. 
We give our hair so much power (return to my earlier statement about knowing if a woman is going through something). If we need to "cut someone out of our life"...we cut off our hair. We feel weighted down by something- we cut the weight off...from our hair. We get a fresh do...we feel like we are on the top of the world. 

So, what is it about our hair? I don't really have an answer but I will continue doing research via different hairstyles on this journey called life. And if I come up with an answer, I'll be sure to share. 

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Shut don't go up...

Ladies, Ladies, Ladies...

Ya know sometimes you just have to be quiet...don't say anything.
Or maybe I should say it so you really get my point- don't say nothing!

I know it's hard but sometimes silence speaks much louder than any words.
Have you ever heard the expressions, "silence is golden" or "silence is loud"?
They are true.

You don't always have to have the last word.
That extra "okay"...yeah keep that to yourself and save it for a rainy day.
That long "uh huuuh" you feel creeping out of your mouth- shut it down.
Trust me...I know it is very hard.
I mean the phrase is right there and it just wants to come out and say "yeah right" but don't do it.
Keep the thought to yourself (you already having a conversation in your mind anyway).

Here's the thing, typically nothing good comes from those extra ad-libs and comments.
You are more likely to cause yet another argument (or prolong the heated discussion you are already involved in).
Just go to your corner and save your energy.
Take a moment.
Breathe and think of better comebacks than "okay" and "uh huuuh" <--you are better than those!

This has been a TJ-PSA.


Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Loyalty, Schmalolaty...What does it really mean?

I’m lost…has “loyalty” become the new buzz word of 2014? YOLO- remember that?
I mean it’s everywhere. On Facebook, twitter, Instagram, and the top 10 charts. All of a sudden everyone seems very interested in the loyalty of those around them. Why now? You weren't concerned with it before? And What really defines loyalty?
Well according one of the hottest songs out right now…it’s staying with a broke n*gga. Even though the song clowns him because said hoe (I'm not sure if this when she becomes a hoe or was she always a hoe) leaves the underfinanced gentleman and takes up with another guy because he is in a better place financially. Thus translating to being a unloyal hoe.  
Ooooookay-lol. That is know this right?
Sooo if the chick upgrades you for someone with fatter pockets does that forever create a cycle on unloyalness?
Interesting. Does this translate to all relationships or just romantic because folks do this with jobs all the time. Trust me if the EEOC offers me a better job than my current employer...well Imma take my talents to the EEOC.
Here is a question, if the guy drops said chick for another chick with say, better “assets” does that make him an unloyal hoe?
Or how about this,  if you pursue a woman that you believe is a hoe, don’t you kind of set yourself up for the inevitable unloyal cycle?
See, I thought Snoop said some almost twenty years ago that “I don’t love these hoes” so why is a hoe’s unloyal/ anti-loyal behavior an issue? Or surprise for that matter.
If you don’t love a hoe, losing a hoe should be the equivalent of losing a bobby pin. Another one will appear out of nowhere when you need one (or least expect it) so losing one isn't going to be the end of the world. 
Back to this new buzz word “loyalty”, what makes a person loyal? A person that is there through thick and thin despite whatever is going in their life? *cue scene from “Love and Basketball”…”I had to make curfew!” Sometimes we expect a great deal from people not realizing that they too have shit going on in their lives and bailing you out for the umpteenth just not on their agenda right now. 
Sometimes being loyal, means leaving you alone. Meaning you and I both know what you are doing is stupid and I am tired of telling you the same thing over and over sooooo Imma let you do your thing. But know that I love you and I will always be there for you. I just can't support *insert whatever foolishness they are involved in*. Loyalty isn't about constantly agreeing with someone. A real loyal person will call you out on your shit. Loyalty doesn't have anything to do with how long you known a person either. There isn't some secret test. I guess you just know. Well, I figure by the end of the year "Loyalty" will see just how loyal folks are; because by then it'll be on to the next new phrase. It'll probably have something to do with whatever "hoes" ain't doing ("these hoes ain't cooking. these hoes ain't cleaning").

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Happy or Sad- it's your call

“Clap along, if you feel like a room without a roof”—Out the box. Limitless.
“Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth”— Being sad (even though is happens) sucks. A hot shower, cold shot and/or a smile.

As Benjamin Franklin once said “The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself 

“Clap along, if you know what happiness is to you”—My family, framily, friends, love, laughter… 
“Clap along if you know that’s what you want to do” – I’m clapping!!!
Happiness doesn’t depend on any external conditions, it is governed by our mental attitude.” Dale Carnegie

Thirteen weeks ago…I had surgery to repair a torn ACL and inner and outer meniscus (that’s like three surgeries yo!).

About a week later I heard Pharrell’s “Happy” and burst into tears. I had just went to my first physical therapy appointment and I didn’t think I would be able to my knee back. I just sat there listening to this man talk to me about four weeks of this and then four weeks of that...and I was like “what did I just do to myself?” 
I mean, it hurt. It hurt like hell to stand up. It hurt to sit down. It was uncomfortable to lie down with my leg elevated. I hated my crutches.  I know, I know but hurt.

I hated feeling helpless and then I heard this song and he says “clap along ,if you know that’s what you want to do” and instead of clapping I cried. I cried because I really did want to be happy, I did. I cried because I thought I was strong enough to handle recovery. I cried because I realized I wasn’t the “Superwoman” I once was…I was just like everyone else-lol. I had a weakness (more than just Hostess Cupcakes). I also think I was crying because I was high all the time. I don’t know how people function like that. I mean I only had a small dose and I still had the “Dropsies”. But I digress.. 

Thirteen weeks doesn’t seem that long but in that time, I can squat (you can’t imagine how interesting it was for me to go to the bathroom), I’m no longer using those blasted crutches, I’m not longer in the hellacious brace, and I can ride the bike now (if you saw me on my first day, you would have wanted to give me a hug-and I would have gladly taken it)!

My stamina is increasing. I am lunging, squatting, stepping up, curling, bending…I am getting my happy back. And it all began with me.  See after I cried...I cried some more but then I realized why I was crying. I was scared. I was scared to fail (and fall-literally). I was scared that I would never be “Superwoman” again and once I realized all that, I took charge.  I took charge of my recovery. I took charge of my "happy"!

For starters I took my fat ass to the gym and decided to work “with” my therapy instead of working “against it” (meaning I did my homework-for all you slow people).
I am not where I want to be…but I’m damn sure not where I used to be.
Each day I get better and betterer.
For that I clap!
I clap, because I am happy! 

Where is my damn cape?!

Sunday, March 30, 2014

I'm a people watcher

Okay this is when my randomness probably matches your randomness. 
The random act of people watching. It's really awesome and can help melt time away in pretty much any situation. Prime areas to people watch are the movies, the mall, the airport and (I know yall were waiting on this one) Walmart. Church does get an honorable mention but its more like wig/weave watching. And restaurants are also good places. 
Now some people are probably like, "people watching, what's that?" and to them I have two things to say the first- man please you know good damn well what I mean when I say people watching. Then again (the second thought) if you don't chances are You are the person being watched- HA. There are several things that might go through your mind while people watching. Really its more like a series of random questions. Do they not have mirrors in their house? Why do you think that still fits? Did it ever fit? Is their a lotion shortage? Where are you going? Are their friends evil? Did you make them mad? I bet he drinks heavily at night (oh snap that's the pilot). You must be super confident? 
And then there is another trickling thing that might go through your head, or perhaps it's just mine. Who is watching me? I mean, while I am watching all these other folks, is someone watching me? Did they just see me kind of dig up my nose, I mean I didn't go All the way up my nose, just a little bit?

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Let's Get Married!

Can I talk you about one of my fears for a moment? No, this not about my fear of eventually becoming a contestant on “The Biggest Loser” or having toilet water splash on my booty while I’m on the commode. This is the “other” fear…marriage.
Ten years ago I was so ready to get married and have babies. I totally romanticized the notion of marriage. I thought about the wedding. The dress. Band or DJ? My bridesmaids. Keep in mind I didn’t even have a candidate for the groom but that didn't keep me from thinking about/planning it.
I think every girl, at least once, thinks about her wedding. Even the most hardcore of females, thinks about the day where all eyes are on her and there is a massive Soul Train line and ChaCha slide. And that’s what I thought about until...the feelings subsided.
Seven years ago the feelings returned- stronger than ever- and this time I had someone for the candidate of the groom (YEAH). I was older but not wiser because I still saw marriage as some romantic fairytale. I blame romantic comedies. You know the ones where the guy “says” he doesn’t want to get married and then the girl creates this happy, blissful life that the guy changes his mind because what he meant all along was “I didn’t want to get married until you convinced me”. As I said, I was older but not wiser. Listen when a man tells you that he doesn't want to get married and you still stay with him for three more years, you are an idiot and should get fitted for a hearing aid. I think there are some men that do change their minds but that was not the case with this particular candidate and eventually he was "let go".
So where does that leave me...a cynical, bitter, lonely old maid? Absolutely not! It just means that along with spiders, I have a fear of marriage. I believe in marriage-my parents have been married for over thirty-five years-I'm just afraid I will screw it up. I think I know more divorced people than married (and notice I didn't say happily married because that's even less). I know people who've been married three times to my none. And while I get it, I get it, their situations are very different from my own it still leaves me with a queasy, uneasy feeling. When people ask me, "When are you going to get married?" or "Why aren't you married?", I really don't feel like they want to hear a true explanation, cause they really don't. But thinking about it, I mean why were you single before you got married uh, was it because you weren't married? Well that's why I'm still single- I ain't married. My bad, lost it for a I just say, "I've never been asked" or my new favorite reply, "I'm crazy".
I know that when the time comes, I'll still be afraid, but hopefully my candidate for the position of groom will be patient with me and calm my fears. He will know that while I am fearful, I am a willing and gracious candidate. Plus he, like me, won't want to muck this thing up.
And if that doesn't happen...I'll buy a rancher style house, move in three of my good girlfriends, we can eat lots of cheesecake and stay up all night talking about life and men.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

America been "crazy".

Why do we say things like “Man, this world is going crazy” or (and for the intent of this entry) “America is getting crazy”?

Um…where yall been? America aint “getting” crazy- it’s always been crazy. It’s just with the CONSTANT stream of the news (proven or not) and Instagram and Twitter and Facebook and the church bulletin, we can’t help but to hear about EVERY little thing thus making us believe that these things are “new”.  

The term “Going Postal” wasn’t a campaign to get people to use the post office. It was derived from postal workers going into their place of employment and shooting up everyone and everything.
This was in the late 80’s and darn near all of the 90’s. Is this not crazy? Is this about twenty years ago? I guess we just "getting" to the good and crazy? 

America is like the world’s rich, douchy uncle that has a cocaine problem but everyone ignores it because he gives out great Christmas presents. You don’t fully appreciate America until you leave it and come back. Oh you think you appreciate it, but you don’t because you complain about things like, the water pressure in your house (indoor plumbing) or the fact that KFC ran out of chicken (fast food…money to BUY fast food). We complain about people coming to the country and not being about to speak the language and then go to OTHER countries and get mad because you can’t find anything in English *blank stare*. We really don’t care about what is going on in other countries. In fact if you having a conversation with someone and they utter the words “Well, in my country” you secretly think to yourself- hey if you don’t like it here-leave. But isn’t this the land of the free, ya know Free speech.
**I'd like to note that if none of these example apply to what. I can still say them...see below.
Free speech in the country means you can say whatever you want as long as it aligns with my opinion.
Free speech in other countries means oh wait, in some countries people aren't granted the privilege to speak freely. Moving on. 

Here’s the thing Even during the time everyone likes to romanticize and say oh “America was such a great country during this time” (usually anytime during the Reagan years and before Carter)…America still had its issues. And that’s just it- Americas got issues (and yes I know about the grammatical errors in the 'sentence' and throughout this entire piece but I don't care, I'm channeling my inner Elmore Leonard).
Oh we (America) got talent and a best dance crew and an idol but in the mist of all of that- we gots us some issues. And these issues aren't new- they are just compounded and/or evolving.
In a way, it's the nature of the beast. Things evolve. Things change. The question we should ask is, how can we change the "beast"? We can't stop evolution but can we change What evolves? How it evolves? Hmm, I got deeper than I wanted to on this entry...imma stop now.