Can I talk you about one of my fears for a moment? No, this not about my fear of eventually becoming a contestant on “The Biggest Loser” or having toilet water splash on my booty while I’m on the commode. This is the “other” fear…marriage.
Ten years ago I was so ready to get married and have babies. I totally romanticized the notion of marriage. I thought about the wedding. The dress. Band or DJ? My bridesmaids. Keep in mind I didn’t even have a candidate for the groom but that didn't keep me from thinking about/planning it.
I think every girl, at least once, thinks about her wedding. Even the most hardcore of females, thinks about the day where all eyes are on her and there is a massive Soul Train line and ChaCha slide. And that’s what I thought about until...the feelings subsided.
Seven years ago the feelings returned- stronger than ever- and this time I had someone for the candidate of the groom (YEAH). I was older but not wiser because I still saw marriage as some romantic fairytale. I blame romantic comedies. You know the ones where the guy “says” he doesn’t want to get married and then the girl creates this happy, blissful life that the guy changes his mind because what he meant all along was “I didn’t want to get married until you convinced me”. As I said, I was older but not wiser. Listen when a man tells you that he doesn't want to get married and you still stay with him for three more years, you are an idiot and should get fitted for a hearing aid. I think there are some men that do change their minds but that was not the case with this particular candidate and eventually he was "let go".
So where does that leave me...a cynical, bitter, lonely old maid? Absolutely not! It just means that along with spiders, I have a fear of marriage. I believe in marriage-my parents have been married for over thirty-five years-I'm just afraid I will screw it up. I think I know more divorced people than married (and notice I didn't say happily married because that's even less). I know people who've been married three times to my none. And while I get it, I get it, their situations are very different from my own it still leaves me with a queasy, uneasy feeling. When people ask me, "When are you going to get married?" or "Why aren't you married?", I really don't feel like they want to hear a true explanation, cause they really don't. But thinking about it, I mean why were you single before you got married uh, was it because you weren't married? Well that's why I'm still single- I ain't married. My bad, lost it for a minute...so I just say, "I've never been asked" or my new favorite reply, "I'm crazy".
I know that when the time comes, I'll still be afraid, but hopefully my candidate for the position of groom will be patient with me and calm my fears. He will know that while I am fearful, I am a willing and gracious candidate. Plus he, like me, won't want to muck this thing up.
And if that doesn't happen...I'll buy a rancher style house, move in three of my good girlfriends, we can eat lots of cheesecake and stay up all night talking about life and men.